Many people wonder what the golden formula is to becoming a ‘good tweeter’. Useful content? An online reflection of your personality? Not me. I want to show you the dark arts; the ways in which you can become a bad tweeter. I’m not the go-to man of Twitter etiquette, I know, so if that’s going to be a problem for you, then tough. These are the commandments of bad tweeting:

1. Blow your own trumpet incessantly

You know you’re amazing. The world should know that you’re amazing. Ideally, if you’re eager to become a bad tweeter, post the same link to your own website multiple times hourly. People are silly, and have short memory spans. They didn’t ignore the link the first time; they simply didn’t see it. Clever, subtle self-promotion is for good tweeters, so don’t bother with that. Just spam your link, hour after hour, day after day. I’m sure at least half of your twelve followers, porno spambot included, will love it.

2. Make it all about your thoughts and actions

This one is often mistaken for good tweeting. If you want to come across as egotistic, try telling people what you’re having with your toast. You’re important, so of course they’ll care. Go on, try it. Are you having jam? Just butter? How riveting. Twitter should always be about reflecting thoughts because, like, it’s so personal man. Don’t bother trying to be witty or relevant. Both traits have no place in bad tweeting.

3. Couple personal thoughts with a bad hashtag

Because nothing quite captures the emotion of a scene like, ‘It’s raining #grim’, or ‘I’m crying my eyes out here #boofuckinghoo’. Bad hashtags are quick, foolproof ways to becoming a bad tweeter. Don’t use hashtags to refer to any interesting topics, or group your tweets: just keep it about you. Elaborate on that initial thought. You like Mars Bars do you? I wonder what emotion you feel… oh, #yummy! Haha, ahhh yummy. I can just picture it now, in all it’s yumminess. Y’see, before that, I was struggling. I can only differentiate things using bad hashtags.

4. ‘RT and get me to 23 Zillion’

When it comes to being a bad tweeter, quantity beats quality every time. Don’t bother naturally acquiring followers: beg for follows and retweets, and you’ll rapidly build up a group who don’t actually give a shit about anything you have to say, and are only interested in their own numbers. But that’s okay! You’re a bad tweeter, so this is probably the only way you’ll ever amass anything that resembles a following. Beg for follows, and you’ll get them. As an added bonus, you’ll lose the respect of every pesky good tweeter and their committed fan base in the process. Two in one!

5. Slag people off indirectly

Man, this has to be favourite. I was reading Bad Tweeter #29’s tweets about paint drying the other day, but towards the end of their stream, they broke it up with ‘What a dick #ohemgee #thisisaboutyou’. It hit me so deep. The complexity of human nature, being so daring as to slag someone off, yet so sneaky as to not name them? This is almost a return to the ways of playground bitchiness. Absolutely brilliant. Bad tweeters: make sure you throw plenty of bitchy remarks in. Nobody gives a shit, and it makes you look immature: two extra ways of gathering that bad tweeter rep quickly!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this foolproof guide to bad tweeting. Follow the steps religiously, and you’ll soon amass an enormous following who never read your tweets about what colour gloves you’ve got on. #gr8

I’m always on the lookout for more bad tweeting tips. What are your personal favourites?

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